I'm not sure the D800 misses any of the requirements you listed other than file size. Maybe a small difference in FPS, but still pretty good.
Physical size is similar but slightly lighter. Advantage D800
The D800 is an FX sensor. - no difference
Noise will end up testing lower. This is a little different, but the reason is due to advances in the sensor design demonstrated on the D7000, plus the impact of a much larger sensor. DxO's sensor testing of the larger sensor downsized to a standard print will mean a lot toward reduced noise. In the case of the D3x, it meant about 1.7 stops. The D7000 is only one stop off the D700. Advantage D800.
FPS of the D800 is 1 FPS slower than the D700 - but the battery grip increases the speed on both. Advantage D700.
Excellent quality - this is subjective, but AF, colors, and dynamic range all exceed the D700/D3. D800 advantage.
Weatherproofing is virtually the same.
And there are several crop modes and quality modes that may benefit JPEG situations.