I would be extremely frustrated with the results you are getting. If the center sensor results you are getting are representative - and I assume they are - it's clear you have a major issue.
I think we are all hoping to find a problem with your test methodology that could reasonably resolve your problem - but I don't see anything that would be a major flaw. Your Live View test shows the lenses are capable of properly focusing, but Phase Detect AF is not working.
I think at this point you have two paths:
The first - and most obvious step - would be to talk to a real person at Nikon Canada, send them the sample results if needed, and ask for their help. The logical solution and the right thing to do would be to replace your camera.
The second option is to send your camera to one of the large Nikon Authorized Service locations - possibly in the US - and have your camera properly repaired. Someone like CRIS in Arizona or Precision Camera in Texas. I'd talk to them first. You'll probably have to pay for the repair, but it should fix the camera and provide a dollar amount for you to pursue further action with Nikon Canada.
I have a D800E, and the issues you have experienced certainly make me reluctant to have the Left AF sensor fixed. The camera works fine except that sensor, and I don't want to make the situation worse even though I have heard many good reports from others who have had their cameras fixed by Nikon in the US. As you suggest, It makes me question other purchases from Nikon. I currently have a D600 that I planned to convert to IR, but that voids the warranty. So I am spending several months testing it before conversion to make sure there are no issues at all (like the dust/oil problem that has been reported).
One thing to keep in mind - Nikon is made of many different individual managers. Nikon Japan may care about the issue and have one way of dealing with the problem, but Nikon Canada may be slightly different, and the individual handling your camera may have still different ideas. Hopefully you can get to someone who will do the right thing.