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Subject: " HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????" Previous topic | Next topic
jrp Administrator JRP is one of the co-founders, has in-depth knowledge in various areas. Awarded for his contributions for the Resources Charter MemberSun 02-Jun-13 05:20 AM
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" HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"


San Pedro Garza García, MX
          

This has been around before but a friend of mine just resent it to me. I find them still just as funny.

These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History, first published in 1999 and are things people actually said in court,... word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
__________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. I am told the live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Have a great time
JRP (Founder & Administrator. Nikonian at the north-eastern Mexican desert) Gallery, Brief Love Story, The Team
Join the Silver, Gold and Platinum members that help this happen; upgrade. Join your personal web site to the Nikonians WebRing
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Reply message RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
RABaker
02nd Jun 2013
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Dgastrong Gold Member
04th Jun 2013
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Omaha
02nd Jun 2013
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STAN__LEE Silver Member
02nd Jun 2013
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HBB Moderator
04th Jun 2013
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RockyIII Gold Member
04th Jun 2013
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timpsm Team Member
04th Jun 2013
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esantos Moderator
04th Jun 2013
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jrp Administrator
05th Jun 2013
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snegron Silver Member
05th Jun 2013
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jrp Administrator
06th Jun 2013
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gfeinberg Silver Member
06th Jun 2013
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RABaker Registered since 01st Oct 2003Sun 02-Jun-13 07:17 AM
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#1. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 0


Sunnyvale, US
          

I have seen these before, but not for quite a while. You are right - they are just as funny this time as when I first saw them.

Thanks,
Richard

  

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Dgastrong Gold Member Nikonian since 09th Oct 2012Tue 04-Jun-13 02:55 AM
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#6. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 1


Sonoita, US
          

So nice to have a good laugh after a Monday at work!
Thanks Ramon,
Dale

Visit my Nikonians gallery.

  

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Omaha Registered since 07th Jan 2012Sun 02-Jun-13 01:00 PM
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#2. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 0


Omaha, US
          

The last one in particular always gives me a chuckle!

Visit my Nikonians gallery
Most of my Nikon photos end up here.

  

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STAN__LEE Silver Member Charter MemberSun 02-Jun-13 05:07 PM
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#3. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 0


ROSEVILLE, US
          

Good stuff, jrp; your commentary, like your photography, rarely disappoint me. Regards. stan

Stan Miller
A Roseville, CA Nikonian

Visit my Nikonians gallery.

Visit my Nikonians gallery.

  

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HBB Moderator Hal is an expert in several areas, including CLS Awarded for his excellent article contributions to the Resources. Charter MemberTue 04-Jun-13 12:27 AM
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#4. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 0


Phoenix, US
          

JRP et al:

Proof of the theory that 99 percent of all attorneys give the rest a bad name.

Regards,

HBB in Phoenix, Arizona
Nikonian Team Member

Photography is a journey with no conceivable destination.

  

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RockyIII Gold Member Nikonian since 27th May 2006Tue 04-Jun-13 02:42 AM
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#5. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 0


Raleigh, US
          

Heh heh, thanks for the laughs!

Rocky

  

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timpsm Team Member Nikonian since 17th Sep 2010Tue 04-Jun-13 06:19 AM
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#7. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 0


Salt Spring Island, CA
          

I laughed until I had tears in my eyes. I haven't seen those before. Priceless. Thank you.

tim

  

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esantos Moderator Nikonians Resources Writer. Recognized for his outstanding reviews on printers and printing articles. Awarded for his high level of expertise in various areas, including Landscape Photography Awarded for his extraordinary accomplishments in Landscape Photography. His work has been exhibited at the Smithsonian. Nikonian since 10th Nov 2002Tue 04-Jun-13 02:53 PM
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#8. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 0


McAllen, US
          

Thanks for posting Ramon, I really enjoyed these. This reminded me of an experience I had years ago presenting a proposed contract for mental health screenings of inmates in the local county criminal justice system. The county attorney had a difficult time understanding even the most basic points of the proposal. At one point I had to turn to the county judge and give him a BIG roll of the eyes. Fortunately, the judge understood my body language and the proposal was adopted inspite of their bungling counsel.

Ernesto Santos
esartprints.com Ernesto Santos Photography

  

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jrp Administrator JRP is one of the co-founders, has in-depth knowledge in various areas. Awarded for his contributions for the Resources Charter MemberWed 05-Jun-13 04:58 AM
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#9. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 8


San Pedro Garza García, MX
          

I am glad you like them.
I laughed a lot too, even when previously seen, so I decided to share them with you all.

Have a great time
JRP (Founder & Administrator. Nikonian at the north-eastern Mexican desert) Gallery, Brief Love Story, The Team
Join the Silver, Gold and Platinum members that help this happen; upgrade. Join your personal web site to the Nikonians WebRing
Make sure you check our workshops at The Nikonians Academy and the product catalog of the Photo Pro Shop

  

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snegron Silver Member Nikonian since 05th May 2007Wed 05-Jun-13 09:57 PM
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#10. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 9


Cape Coral, Florida, US
          

LOL! Thank you JRP! The funniest thing is that I'll bet these were all actually said in court!

  

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jrp Administrator JRP is one of the co-founders, has in-depth knowledge in various areas. Awarded for his contributions for the Resources Charter MemberThu 06-Jun-13 08:36 AM
34617 posts Share on Facebook Share on Twitter Share on Linkedin    Click to send email to this author Click to send private message to this authorClick to view this author's profile
#11. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 10


San Pedro Garza García, MX
          

Yes, all true!

Have a great time
JRP (Founder & Administrator. Nikonian at the north-eastern Mexican desert) Gallery, Brief Love Story, The Team
Join the Silver, Gold and Platinum members that help this happen; upgrade. Join your personal web site to the Nikonians WebRing
Make sure you check our workshops at The Nikonians Academy and the product catalog of the Photo Pro Shop

  

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gfeinberg Silver Member Nikonian since 14th Jan 2009Thu 06-Jun-13 10:33 AM
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#12. "RE: HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????"
In response to Reply # 0


Marietta, US
          

As a a former Law Firm Administrator, I can tell you that not only do you hear these tidbits in court, but many times in the office as well. As a friend of mine likes to say, "You just can't make this stuff up."

Gary Feinberg
www.garyfeinbergphotography.com

Visit my Nikonians gallery.

Visit my Nikonians gallery.

Visit my Nikonians gallery.

  

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